


Journey to the past

by moonlight_petal



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: A bit sad, Emotional, Gen, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, So be warned, a bit dark, a little bit of torture, and also what happened after, and before Winter Soldier, but with a hopeful ending, explaining some things about Captain America, hints to committing suicide, it's not bad though, it's nothing that didn't happen in the movie, or so they say
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-06
Updated: 2014-08-06
Packaged: 2018-02-12 02:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,777
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2091756
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlight_petal/pseuds/moonlight_petal
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They grew up together. They looked after each other. They would give everything for each other. Their whole world revolved around each other... and then war happened. </p>
<p>This is my story of why 'The First Avenger' ended the way it did and how 'The Winter Soldier' came to be.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Journey to the past

**Author's Note:**

> So this was heavily influence by the constant exposure to many a Stucky post on my tumblr dashboard by my dear friend whydouwantaname and watching the first movie again. She's still trying to convert me into a Stucky shipper which to be honest I'm not exactly but I admit that they're growing on me.

[](http://s892.photobucket.com/user/moonlight_petal/media/Stuckycover_01_zps5f916f14.jpg.html)

~*~

_Cold… pain… where am I?... What happened?... STEVE!_

~*~

„Holy mother Mary of God, it can’t be! That’s impossible!” Howard Stark exclaimed incredulously and every single person around him shared this opinion. Without another word, trusting that someone will take care of the situation, he turned on his heels and dashed down the hallways.

It had started as a favour. Captain America was an incredible person, fascinating on so many levels and amazing to boot. But first and foremost Howard had learned that Steve Rogers was a friend. Probably his best friend even if the same title hadn’t applied to him in Steve’s life. But point was Howard could imagine the kind of pain Steve had been going through, losing his best friend and brother of choice like this and not even being able to bury the body and mourn him properly. 

So Howard had assigned a special task force, hand picked people he trusted -and could afford to reassign, they still were fighting a war after all- to search the area of the ‘train incident’, as they called it, looking for the body of Sergeant Bucky Barnes of the 107th, second in command of the Howling Commandoes and best friend of Captain Steve Rogers. 

He wanted for Steve to at least be able to find closure, to give him a place to mourn his friend. But the unthinkable had happened. They found him and incredible and unlikely as it was, Bucky Barnes was still alive. In a bad shape for sure with various broken bones and close to freezing to death but considering the fall he had taken and the fact that basically every single bone in his body should have been in pieces, he had come off relatively unscathed.

Howard had known about the mission that day but never for a single moment had he thought that Steve wouldn’t come back. Nonetheless, mission or no, he had to tell his friend the good news immediately.  
He ran past various army higher-up and even some of the Commandoes but he didn’t slow down enough to notice their solemn faces until he burst through the door of the com-room. “We found him, Steve, we found him. And he’s alive!” he called before he had properly come to a stop.

But stop he did, dead in his tracks when he finally had a moment to take in the scene before him. The unusual emptiness of the room, the static buzzing through the speakers, Peggy sitting there alone, her head bowed, sobbing. “Steve? Steve…”

It hit him like a sledgehammer. “Oh my god…” he whispered, eyes wide and shocked. This couldn’t have happened. Steve Rogers was Captain America. A supersoldier.

Despite his own incredulousness and shock he still was a gentleman in his heart and right in front of him was a lady crying in grief.  
Gently and cautiously he laid a hand on Peggy’s shoulder first but pulled her into an embrace shortly after, held her while she cried like there was no tomorrow.

Later he would learn what had happened in bits and pieces from Peggy, from Colonel Phillips, from Jim Morita. Steve had apparently managed to kill the Red Skull and gain control of the plane. Up to that point everything made sense but after that it got weird and it took long hours of brooding over several bottles of Scotch to make sense of it. And really, Howard should have seen it coming. Steve had taken a rather reckless if not suicidal turn after they had lost Bucky. He should have anticipated that he might consider something stupid the moment he completed his mission and got his revenge.

Peggy had told him what Steve had said about the plane, about the explosive heading for New York, that there had been no time and he downright refused her call for Howard because of course he would have found a way to coach Steve out of this situation, that’s what Howard did. But at that point Steve had made a decision already. If only Howard would have arrived just a minute earlier. 

But he hadn’t. And now he had a very much alive and healing Bucky Barnes on his hands and had yet to tell him that Steve hadn’t made it. And frankly Howard himself was a mess, constantly alternating between getting drunk to forget and plainly refusing to believe that Steve was dead. Immediately he had send the same taskforce who had found Bucky to search for Steve but searching an icy ocean wasn’t as easy as searching a known forest space.

~*~

Most of the time he wasn’t aware enough of his surroundings thanks to the most likely copious amounts of morphine they were pumping into him to keep him on a bearable pain level and still at the same time but he could sense that they were keeping something from him. 

He hadn’t seen anyone other than the doctors and nurses and Stark. Especially the latter was acting suspicious, sitting next to him and just observing quietly for hours on end on some days and on others he looked manic and so drunk out of his mind that even Bucky, in his position, could smell the alcohol over the predominant smell of disinfectant. 

One morning though, he was woken up because his whole upper body felt as if on fire. He groaned and blinked into the lights overhead. Huh, he couldn’t remember the last time he had been able to see that clearly.

“I’m very sorry, Sergeant Barnes but Mr. Stark has requested to minimize your morphine dose for now. He has to talk to you.” A nurse explained sympathetically and quickly checked everything to make him as comfortable as possible.

He only nodded and began to take stock of himself for the first time. Sure he had heard lots of things about his injuries but now that he was aware for once he marvelled at the fact that his legs were intact. He didn’t remember the fall itself, only Steve’s face the moment he lost his hold on the train.

“Will you finally tell me the big secret, Stark?” he rasped out when he felt the presence shortly after.  
“I’d much rather I wouldn’t have to but you need to know. Bucky, the day we found you…”  
But Howard didn’t need to continue further, everything fell into place. He may have been mostly drugged out of his mind but he wasn’t stupid and he knew Steve. His best friend would have been by his side as soon as possible. He shook his head desperately, eyes wide with disbelief.  
“Steve… no, no no no, please no…” 

Bucky saw Howard crumble in front of him, tears welling up in his eyes while he himself just couldn’t believe.  
“I’m so incredibly sorry… we’re still looking for him but it’s difficult, his plane went down in the middle of the ocean…” Howard couldn’t speak further but Bucky didn’t need to hear more. His best friend, his brother, his…life was dead.

Stark had left shortly after, most likely back to his lab to down another bottle of Scotch and how Bucky would have loved to do the same but no, his decision had been made quickly. He waited for the nurse to up his medication again, only to discreetly pull the IV out entirely moments after she left. If he had thought that his body felt on fire before, he felt downright as if he were dying as his body slowly used up the last shreds of the morphine.

He waited for the late evening when he knew only few people were up and about to slowly make his way out of the base. To be honest it was kind of embarrassing how easy it was even for a pretty injured guy to sneak out of an army base. Bucky anticipated that he hadn’t much time until someone would realize that he’d gone missing. He was a soldier though and knew how to escape as quickly and quietly as possible. That he was running from his own people didn’t matter at the moment. He had only one predominant thought: Steve. He didn’t care that Howard had said that the plane had gone down in the ocean, Bucky would find him. Bucky always found Steve, no matter what trouble he had gotten himself into.

After he had left the base, it was slow going. He had to constantly keep an eye out for his own people as well as enemies. And it was bitterly cold, especially at night and he wasn’t exactly in top shape to begin with. Every day took more and more of a toll on Bucky. He was running out of energy slowly and with it his belief and will to go on. Steve’s loss sunk in more and more.

Bucky wasn’t stupid either, if he admitted that Steve had died the way he did, he knew why. He had known Steve all his life. And they were similar like that. Steve couldn’t have lived on without Bucky just like Bucky couldn’t go on without Steve. And wasn’t that a real life Romeo and Juliet story.

It was that day when he finally walked into a trap, too caught up into his own pain and heartbreak to see the signs.  
And faster than he could realize he had been manhandled first into a truck and then into a small and empty prison cell.

They questioned him about many things he honestly had no answer to, not that he would tell them that. No, as soon as they started using his injuries against him in torture his military training kicked in and he only repeated his name, rank and ID number in answer to every single question. 

That went on for surprisingly many days and every time they brought him back to his cell, Bucky wished more and more that he could just die already.  
And of course that was the time a new face arrived. Bucky didn’t recognize the face but it was obvious that the stranger knew who was sitting in front of him.  
“Bucky Barnes. And here I was thinking we killed you weeks ago, imagine my surprise when my men told me about you. I just had to see you myself. And aren’t you in a pitiful state but no wonder, escaping certain death only by a margin just to find that the source of your will to go on died in grief over your loss. That would send me right back down in the dumps myself.” He smirked, watching Bucky’s every twitch in reaction.

“But fear not, I have an offer you can’t possibly refuse…”  
“Never!” Bucky interrupted the other with an almost feral sneer. But he only received a laugh in return.  
“Ah ah ah. You haven’t even heard the offer yet. I can offer you freedom, Barnes. Freedom of the pain and grief and all the memories that certainly are haunting you by now. Freedom of all the responsibility, just think about it.” The other explained with an evil smile before he left without another word, leaving Bucky to brood over the offer.

That was repeated several times over the following days. They would torture him for hours and then the stranger would appear to make his offer again.

Bucky held on as long as he could but without something to live on for it was difficult and finally his resolve broke.  
“What happens if I agree?” he asked one day.

The smile on the stranger’s face widened in victory.  
“Well we have the means to make you forget everything. You’ll be free again.”

Bucky snorted at that.  
“Yeah? And what’s in it for you?” that had been the question he had wondered about on many sleepless nights.  
“Well I would be lying if I said we are doing it out of the goodness of our hearts but I think we both know that that’s bullshit, if you excuse the language. No, Barnes the goal is to strip you of your memory but leave your impressive skill set intact. You’d be an amazing asset for our group.”

Bucky thought about it.  
“Let me get this straight, you’ll brainwash me and then turn me against my own people?”

“Just that you won’t remember that they’re your people. You won’t care anymore.”

Could he do it? And betray basically everything he ever did? Everything Steve ever did?

He had ended up refusing once again and had paid the price for it the following day and had lost over two days in unconsciousness. Bucky wouldn’t have believed it but they still had options to increase the torture in the most vicious of ways.

“Alright, alright, do it, do it just stop please…” he screamed one day after his torturer had taken a hammer to his left arm and slowly shattered every single bone starting from the fingertips.  
He had yelled, screamed and cried in pain the whole time but his resolve finally shattered when they arrived at his wrist.

After that it had gone quite quickly in a way. Or maybe it just felt like it to Bucky because as soon as he had agreed, two nurses had entered and had put him under in no time. He sunk in blissful nothingness.

~*~

When he woke up, Bucky had no idea how much time had really passed but he felt weird and the predominant pain of losing Steve was still burning hot in his chest. But he still felt different and soon he knew why. His left arm wasn’t his own anymore but a very detailed metal contraption. The really weird thing was though that he could move and use his arm just like before.

“Amazing isn’t it? I’m sorry that we had to go there but I’m afraid there was nothing to be done for your hand after… well. We kept you under to make healing easier on you because for the actual procedure we need you in good shape or it won’t succeed.” The stranger said from the door.

Bucky wondered why he never thought of asking for a name but figured that he would forget it soon anyway so no use in asking for it now. He just nodded at the explanation, registered only partly that there was an honest possibility of him dying but he didn’t care. In the end that actually was preferable he supposed but didn’t say so.  
“When?”

“Tomorrow, my friend. Tomorrow you’ll be freed of all your sorrows.”

~*~

A killer they call him. A dark shadow. And a ghost. Every period made up a new name for him but of all of them he liked the Winter Soldier the best. Because that he was a soldier nothing more nothing less.

He got used to the regular procedures, never asked what they were doing to him or why the people he killed had to die. Until he was sent out to New York with a series of names to cross off, until he met this guy, apparently a famous superhero according to the briefing.

Bucky? – Who the hell is Bucky.

It echoed in his head for days while he haunted his targets but he couldn’t shake the look on this man’s face. Recognition. Pain. Sadness. Love? Who was this guy? And more importantly who was he to him that he suddenly was reminded that he still owned a heart and that something was tickling his memory, something that should have been hidden forever.

And then they had met again and the stranger had called him Bucky once more, had told him what they had been and even after they had put him through another procedure that very same night, he couldn’t shake the pleading look in those blue and undoubtedly beautiful eyes.

That night he had dreamt vividly for the first time in a long time. Bits and pieces of things he only could assume had once upon a time been memories. Playing stickball in a street as a kid. Rescuing some small and skinny kid from a bunch of bullies. Of sleep-overs with flashlight games and comforting each other. Of sharing warmth and love on cold nights out in the woods of a military camp. A desperate kiss like it was their last.

Mere days after the organisation he had been working for fell apart like a card house but he was trained to know how to disappear and made good use of that at that moment. He took everything he could and went out on a journey to recover his past to maybe find a future he never thought was possible. 

His first stop: the Smithsonian


End file.
